So for the past little while I have been in a down time. I am struggling with thoughts of why I am here and struggling with my walk with God. On Thursday, my intern Tyler shared his story with Kaleo and it really impacted me and really made me think. Perseverance was a big thing that I got out of his story. After his story I just went to my room and wept. It was built out emotion that came out after hearing Tyler's story and what I have been struggling with. I need to persevere through this year. It is a hard year for me and like I said last week it is not a gap year. It is a year of growth and foundation. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4. This verse in James came up after and it just really felt like this is what Kaleo is for me. It is a trial and I can't just look to whats going happen rather i have to persevere through each day and really give my all to God. I have been holding back a lot this year and God is telling me that I have to let things go. I didnt really know what to do so for one I deleted all the emails I have been holding on to. I have also talked a lot about how good last year was for me, but in that I failed to see the bad times as well. For these next two months that I have here I am going give my all to God. I have been learning that this is not about me, it's about the community here. Jim talked about the body of Christ and how if one part doesn't do its job the whole body suffers. As i sit back and not speak out I am making the body suffer. I am learning to let go. I am having a more positive outlook on whats in front of me. It's hard when there is a lot of negativity but being negative doesn't solve anything. Maybe Kaleo wasn't what I was hoping it would be but it is a year of grace. Grace is something I am also learning. At first I like it is not a year of Grace, but it is what it comes back to. I am so thankful to be here.
I was also going through pictures this week and I came across this beauty of a pic. It has a lot of meaning behind it. I see a lot of myself in this picture. I am on the fence right now. The look that is on the boy's face is of uncertainty. This is an uncertainty of my faith. I am on the fence right now but I am learning. A wall is definately coming down slowly but surely and i am ready to get off that fence that i have gone back on. I keep thinking of the prodigal son story. I think I used to be the younger son being more care free and not really caring and now i feel as though I am the older son and what his attitude was and I feel like i need to be more like the father in that story.
Yeah I keep losing my train of thought and thats mostly whats been on my mind the last little while. I am excited to see what God has in store for me. I know I have to surrender myself to God. In order for me to have a relationship with God is going have to require me to surrender to him and to let go of whats holding me back from doing so.
This week I had Intro To Christian Theology. It was a pretty good class and it was interesting learning about the different views towards different Christian topics. I am not one for debates so thats the one thing I didn't really enjoy. I don't like the whole calvinism/arminianism debate because for me i feel that in the end it's not going to matter. I have to take what I know who God is and then maybe think about those views. I feel when we just come to a conclusion of who God is based on these views we are just going generalize who God is and put him in a box which is something we can't do. There are going be certain questions that can't be answered and were just going need to have faith and God. It is all grace.
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